I don't want it to. Or maybe I do. Either way, I can feel the pain caused by fear of this unknown. How can it even be termed unknown when I know exactly what it is. Its the 'thereafter' that I know not. But whatever it may be, I can't shake off this feeling. I've always been able to. Its different today; nothing seems right; nothing seems promising. Its all going to end today. I'm supposed to be joy-filled for that reason, but I'm not. Of course, this isn't news. Its just another day in some orbit floating around in my head.
You're probably wondering why or what this is about. I don't think I do either. I just know; I just feel. I want it to stop, but I can't help it. Its not going to stop. I just have to see it through. I have the whole day to ponder what is and what's not going to be. A̳̿ whole day caged in A̳̿ den of fears. 'We shoudnt live by our fears', I've been told that as far back as I can remember up till this day. Are we to face that fear, avoid it, run from it or what? What if the fear is yourself? How then do I face myself? You may read this and think, 'I unerstand just what you feel'. Do you really? If yes, then please share with me; how do you keep your nose above the water? Do you secretly possess mutant powers that give you skills like poisedon? Please share.
I still can't shake it off. I lay on the floor by my bed and it just feels like I'm drowning in my own tears. How pathetic is that? Thing is; I don't feel pathetic at all. I feel..... I feel..... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. How can I feel nothing when I'm so unsettled? Maybe its not that I feel nothing as much as I don't know what I feel. I feel pain that burns yet I don't. I feel power for that yet I feel so weak. *shrugs* its A̳̿ pretty fucked up feeling. I want the weight taken off my back yet I don't. Its like the weight is what defines me. The weight is what gives me strength to keep walking. I was going to travel this morning; I had to. It didn't feel right but I just had to get away cos staying here felt even less right. And I said to my sis; 'say A̳̿ prayer for me in church today; that my bus doesn't crash'. Why then did I want to travel anyway?
I don't understand it either. I don't understand why everything sad looks like rainbow ponies to me.
I want to float in air for an eternity; just me. Me and my thoughts. I can feel their words-built hands at my neck already. Yet I smile A̳̿ warm knowing smile.... Its my doing, so its ok. Its perfect as A̳̿ matter of fact. Nothing else matter. Just that one moment. Except, its short lived. It ends in A̳̿ minute and then its no more forever. I know this so I can't make this dream of mine real. No matter how bad I want for it to be. The euphoria from the feeling is so much that I'd never want it to end. So I save it for when 'it' does finally end. It'll be orgasmic for me and I would smile for eternity.
It no longer ends today. Tomorrow maybe; next week; next 10years; next 70years.... When it does end, I would get that orgasmic feeling. I would float. But right now..... I need to get back to watching my free downloads of Friends.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
