It Ends Today

We've all come A̳̿ long way from what we used to know.... I've been down A̳̿ thousand crossroads and I still don't know if I'm at the right one. How can I? It always looks different, yet the same. I can't fight the feeling that its going to end to today.

I don't want it to. Or maybe I do. Either way, I can feel the pain caused by fear of this unknown. How can it even be termed unknown when I know exactly what it is. Its the 'thereafter' that I know not. But whatever it may be, I can't shake off this feeling. I've always been able to. Its different today; nothing seems right; nothing seems promising. Its all going to end today. I'm supposed to be joy-filled for that reason, but I'm not. Of course, this isn't news. Its just another day in some orbit floating around in my head.

You're probably wondering why or what this is about. I don't think I do either. I just know; I just feel. I want it to stop, but I can't help it. Its not going to stop. I just have to see it through. I have the whole day to ponder what is and what's not going to be. A̳̿ whole day caged in A̳̿ den of fears. 'We shoudnt live by our fears', I've been told that as far back as I can remember up till this day. Are we to face that fear, avoid it, run from it or what? What if the fear is yourself? How then do I face myself? You may read this and think, 'I unerstand just what you feel'. Do you really? If yes, then please share with me; how do you keep your nose above the water? Do you secretly possess mutant powers that give you skills like poisedon? Please share.

I still can't shake it off. I lay on the floor by my bed and it just feels like I'm drowning in my own tears. How pathetic is that? Thing is; I don't feel pathetic at all. I feel..... I feel..... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. How can I feel nothing when I'm so unsettled? Maybe its not that I feel nothing as much as I don't know what I feel. I feel pain that burns yet I don't. I feel power for that yet I feel so weak. *shrugs* its A̳̿ pretty fucked up feeling. I want the weight taken off my back yet I don't. Its like the weight is what defines me. The weight is what gives me strength to keep walking. I was going to travel this morning; I had to. It didn't feel right but I just had to get away cos staying here felt even less right. And I said to my sis; 'say A̳̿ prayer for me in church today; that my bus doesn't crash'. Why then did I want to travel anyway?

I don't understand it either. I don't understand why everything sad looks like rainbow ponies to me.

I want to float in air for an eternity; just me. Me and my thoughts. I can feel their words-built hands at my neck already. Yet I smile A̳̿ warm knowing smile.... Its my doing, so its ok. Its perfect as A̳̿ matter of fact. Nothing else matter. Just that one moment. Except, its short lived. It ends in A̳̿ minute and then its no more forever. I know this so I can't make this dream of mine real. No matter how bad I want for it to be. The euphoria from the feeling is so much that I'd never want it to end. So I save it for when 'it' does finally end. It'll be orgasmic for me and I would smile for eternity.

It no longer ends today. Tomorrow maybe; next week; next 10years; next 70years.... When it does end, I would get that orgasmic feeling. I would float. But right now..... I need to get back to watching my free downloads of Friends.
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Not-So-Secret Diary of an 'Aristo-Geh'

I'm walking up to the dress rack I spotted as I came into the store. I couldn't for the life of me take my eyes off the hermes scarf I spotted earlier through the window. Its so pretty. The grey colour would go well with my dark skin tone. It'll also go well with the blue givenchy blouse I'd just bought two blocks down the street. Its terribly cold this time of the year in north london. These shoppers must think I'm crazy or extremely rich as I 'waste' loads of cash on summer outfits. A young caucasian male of about 27 walks into the store; he's looking right at me, mesmerised. I bet he can't get his eyes off my rack or my sensuous lips. I'm really pretty; I'd been told so a million times. He still turns around for more 'eye-feasting' even as he walks past me but his gaze suddenly changes to one of shock and slight embarrassment just as I feel the glove covered hands grab my left shoulder. Alhaji! He must have thought he'd̥ been spotted by my dad. I turned around to receive a kiss from the old and rather ugly looking man everyone else must have assumed to be my father. I see the puzzled looks on their faces. I'm used to it; I'm indifferent.


I'd woken up that morning thinking about the previous night; the things he'd asked me to do to him. 'Is this really me?', I'd thought. What would mom say if she could have seen me last night. I was meant to be in school studying for monday's pathology test. Instead here I was; lying naked next to a man older than my father! Oh my father! What would he say? He'd probably have himself to blame. But these decisions were mine and mine to make alone. He, Alhaji had asked me to spend the weekend with him in London. How could I say no? Miss this golden opportunity to get a Visa. Of course I knew what was expected of me. Alhaji likes to be stroked, teased, humiliated sexually and then be 'allowed' to take out his frustrations on my perfect body; my body that so many wanted, so many craved. I was expected to let this dirty old man do as he wished to it. Even as I had walked past the customs at Heathrow, I couldn't care less. It was worth it. Last night, oh last night! It would most likely have been better spent having an all night study session at the faculty lecture halls back home. Home! Home was thousands of miles away last night. Still was this morning. And I can't for the life of me figure out why I hadn't been in my bed back home. He'd made me tease him and then he'd taken his pent-up 'pressure' out on my tender arse. Yes, my arse. I'd bled even as he angrily thrusted into me. I'd bled! As if that wasn't enough, he'd 'forced' me to lick him off. To me, it was more like lick ME off! All the dirtiness I felt on the inside, I sucked right off his member, along with his seeds. My tongue probed the folds of skin around him to get every single drop.


I really did think that this morning's shopping spree would make me feel better. And yes it did. *shrugs* what can I say? I'm an 'aristo' girl. I think of what my 'friends' back in Nigeria would say; the look of awe of their faces as they went through my luggages. I would finally be 'one of them'. They wouldn't have to know about the painkillers; my still bleeding anus. They only need to see the material evidences of my trip.


Don't just sit there on the other side of this story and wrinkle your nose at me. Don't you dare look down on me. Don't judge me. I judge myself everyday. Its still not enough. There's really no excuse. I should face my studies, graduate and then get a job, right? But how can I graduate when I can't even pay my school fees. Mom slaved over the fire by the bus-stop back home. Why shouldn't she wear the finest of clothes? Because she has kids? Why should little Jared have to sit on the floor at school? Cause there's no money to pay for a private school? Why? These are the questions I ask myself. Is it all worth it? No! I'm sure you agree with me. The smile on mother's face as whenever she sees me or little Jared happy. That was all that once mattered. But things change. We grow up. We know that we could help. In anyway. We have 'eaten from the tree of knowledge of good and evil'. Now I know that a weak smile is not enough. Its barely a smile; a mona-lisa smile! I think back to those smiley moments. They never once reached her eyes; just her lips. I want to change that. But its still not worth it, I know! But then again, its MY pain.


That first time with Tomi, my first love. Love; feels like some distant place of which I have no idea whether or not it exists. Tomi really did love me as I did him. But it still wasn't enough. It never is. He was gentle. He sang to my body. He loved my beauty. He didn't try to own it although he did, he had 'earned' it. But that time feels like a different distant realm. I was sincerely happy. Now I'm actually still happy. I'm just not satisfied; not with the sex, the clothes, the money, everything. Nothing! I want more. Was it a mistake that I had followed Laide to that minister's house two years ago? That I had had a threesome with them? Aaaah! My first sinful act; that first step into the dark side. £7000 he had given me. Even father had never seen that much money! How could I look back? How could I go back to eating at 'bukas'? To wearing 'OKs'? No! I had to keep up to keep the currencies coming. Tomi was heartbroken when he saw me at that hotel with Mr. Jakande. I couldn't even beg his forgiveness cause I woulda hurt him again. I let him go so I could be 'free'.


Don't judge me! I would do the honours. It started out with needing money for fees and now its all about needing money for a Honda Pilot.... The 2.4 camry just doesn't cut it anymore. I want MORE!!! Blackberries are old gists, I want iPads and HTCs. H&Ms and New Looks won't do, I want Victoria's Secrets and Louis Vuittons...... I want MORE! Its never enough. It never stops.


Would I do things differently if I could go back? Staring at the shopping bags in my hands; the mail I just got on my phone, sent to me by my bank as I walk the walkways of downtown London; Alhaji by my side, I WON'T!!!! I'd do it the exact same way. Maybe even better. I could make do with a BMW. Don't judge me!

P.E!!!!

Oh ye PHCN!!! Why has thou forsaken me?! You have in you very infinite lack of mercy ruined my week!!!! Yes! I blame you! If you had done your supposed job, I won't have seen to need to 'beta-pass-my-neighbour'. Oh how my so-called neighbours shall make merry and be joyous as the 'suo-generator' failed me this morning...... If you are asking 'who sent you message?' Well...... I do have an 8am class and was hoping I could catch up with the news on Osama's death!.... Yi-to-da-Mu!!! I was about to have dirty explicit sex with FIFA11...... Unfortunately for me and rather fortunately for me-again and @KevinWithAnL (pls ask if u don't understand), the PS3 wasn't as 'turned on' as I was! *shrugs*..... But the television and light bulb! *smh*.... They literarily came in a blast!!!! And I guess they weren't well 'lubricated' as smoke instead of the conventional 'juices' were released..... Oh well! My temp lover is safe!!!

Which brings me to the twitter TT of the week.... Err..... Sorry Brits, your Prince lost out to a terrorist..... Osama.... Terrorist toh dead!!!! A lot was to be tweeted as regards this not-so-stout legendary murder! My very favorite (courtesy; yours truly :D) ; The US government shoulda donated Osama's body to Uniben's Anatomy department.... We need cadaver wey get liver! Anyways.... It all got me thinking.... How would it be written in terrorist heaven's 'book of death'?
And I quote (err..... Imaginary quote nii), "and he came unto our(their) lord rather early).... Sounds like premature ejaculation to me...., which brings me to another topic ; P.E...... Motto; that physical and health exercise that ends rather shortly!!!! Recently read A series of rather captivating posts... The Vagina and Penis Monologues.... Also confirmed my previous suspicions; The Vagina Speaks!!!! But the penis clearly knows not how to speak... I prefer it that way though.... I prefer a tongue that can speak at least 70 languages *winks*

I was tempted to make this post about The (not my) First Time! If you are the sensitive kinda guy, I'm sure you musta heard a vagina speak to you especially if its its first time doing to tango with ya plick! You musta seen, If not heard, in Infra RED view, the waves made by the voice of the vagina.... Anyways, I can understand why guys won't accept that their plick dey talk! I'm sure they'd be deaf and dumb if after their first encounter with The Talking Punani!!! Here's an example of a typical convo regarding this;

Plick: I jus dey look as u fine die.....

Punani: ehn..... *blushes* aka *drips*

Plick: hehehehe..... Y u dey cwy nau? Dis lollipop go full ya belle

Punani: *blushes some more* no nau.... No.... I'm not really ready sha

Plick: baybay.... I dey tremble 4 u!!! No worry... D̅ meek no go enter

Punani: ern.... But...... I can fit get tooth ache

Plick: oya small.... Smalll..... Jus the tip
U go enjoy D sweet afta D tooth ache
And like that.... In goes the pole..... Poor punani's still waiting for the 'sweet' part.... But in reality, the Plick *in Kanye's voice say
" The only guud I feel is the guud when I'm coming" and PWiiiiiiSH!!!!! In goes the meek!!!!

Now! This is NOT P.E but merely inexperience.... If shit like this still happens when you've been 'relating' with punani for A̳ long time, then pls broda Tunde, its not normal! You either A selfish murrafucka or you got P.E!!! I don't know much bout P.E̳̿ anyways.... Why should I? I have NEVER encountered that problem.... Abi have you? Yes, YOU!!!! U fink say Bimpe nor tell me? *rme* Go visit ya doc jur! And Bimpe, u sef..... Johnbull say u jus dey lie for bed like pako!!! Plank!!! Firewood!!!! Ladies, its not all work for the poor brother oh!!! He's just there ploughing, grinding and pounding..... And you're just lying down like 'abeg make him do finish*, like you not even feeling anything.... And you're enjoying it oh! Poor brother.

Takes me back to the movie; Good Luck Chuck!!!! (Hope I'm correct) the poor dude was just giving it to the one girl from behind while she was busy picking out wedding gowns from a mag! Smh!!!! You're twisting ya mouth like you don't do it too.... As if you don't watch gossip girl while he's working his arse off tryna give you an orgasm. At least try dey talk small small.... Seski talk nii oh.... And moan. He likes to know he's doing A fairly good job...... Biko!!!! And some gehs can do yeye things..... Gist!!!; A cousin of a friend of mine's neighbour said; there was this fine chick with arse like my fine face.... And face like; well.... *use your imagination* after much toasting and spending, he landed her! Right on his bed with good intentions..... Make her Scream!!! He was giving her 'agali' and she did PoOoM!!! The fine brother just stood up, wore his clothes and left! Ladies!!!! If you're gonna sesk, don't mess! Not all guys can manage that!

Anyways...... All that na long thing! I imagine Osama had A looooong thing!!!! And his dear wife!!!! Certainly not A vee.... Would she go to hell? Or be re-veed so she can continue tongue-polishing his pole in terrorist heaven? Would other dead young female suicide bombers make up the 72 pole polishers in terrorist heaven? Answers to these and more on my twitter page.... Stay tuned to scenes from our next episode!!!! LMFAO!!!! Joor oh, I'm jus kidding. Make awon *i kii u* no come find me 4 hia!!!! Oh shit!!! The lecturer just stepped in! And Yes! I'm sex-blogging in class. Now Bite me!!! :p thank God he moved the test sha... Na plick n punani I for jus write as answers nii.... Anyways.... Tnx for the read.... Blog at y'all later! :D

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Six and Nine? Complete the Equation!!!!

Hey y'all, sup? So, my last post was a bit 'personal'. If you read, understood and appreciated it, Big Ups to ya! And if you're one of those that expected something 'steamy' well.......... Imma reserve ma comments. You can probably guess what this post is all about from the title.
A lot of You took part in that crap that was trending in Lagos on Twitter... What I call; The Curse of the Zombies; here's all I could come up with:::::::

----- iBlog, uRead, iCurseYou, uNoKnow!!!!
----- iTweetNonsense, uFollow, iTweetSense, uUnfollow, uNoGetSense!!!!
----- uScopeMe, iNoGree, uCussMe, urPapa!!!
----- uGay, iNoGay, uWanSeeMyPant, uDeyCraze???
----- uCallMeEstelle, iFinePassYou, uBeFlavaFlav
----- uScopeMe, iNoGree, uAsk'Why', urPrickBeLikeTree
----- iSub, uSubTheSub, uBeBalotelli?
----- iWantHead, uWant69, uBiteMYPrick, iChopUrClitnSpitItOut

The last is my very favorite which brings me to the topic, To Give or Not To Give 'Agali'....... If u no sabi wetin 'Agali' be, ask the broda next to you! Recently had a conference chat with a couple of tweeps on this very topic. To say the conversation was super heated is an understatement.... Now I'm not tryna tell you what or how to do what you or that your sex life sucks; which it probably does, I'm just sharing my knowledge!!! (Not that I know that much *blushing*). Now we all know our favorite #DrakeLine in Rihanna's What's My Name;
"Heard u good with em soft lips, yea u know word of mouth, the square root of 69 is ate sum'n......."

The square root of 69 is actually 8. Something if u think about it ( yes na! I be efiko; I too know maths *winks* hehehe) BUT!!!! Dear brothers, why have some of y'all refused to complete the equation??? WHY??!!! One said he's just too selfish to get down on any girl.... Another said its not considered 'moral' to go down on a girl and its rather disrespectful to let someone you care about give you a BJ!!!! Dear readers and fellow blogger, I'm open to different 'lame' excuses..... I actually do respect your 'selfishness' more than I would your 'pretense' as regards your opinion having to do with 'morality'.

Last night, as I was tweeting, I swear this my neighbour was giving his girl head! If you could hear the way she was moaning, no be plick dey do that type!!! ( I wouldn't know oh *innocent eyes* I'm just guessing). Anyways.... If you have a hygenic girl who you claim to love and is assumed to not be sleeping around, why the fuck would you not want her to experience the Bliss ( erm...... Na dem-say)? You say your 'huge' dick can do the work? Well, I bet you her neighbour's long tongue can do a better job!!! Just wait let him catch her..... Tell that punani bye-bye.... She will be singing 'oh my home' for you. But I'm sure she loves you, she won't let him 'flick' it.... *yimu*

Now, if you are one of those dear brothers that want perfect wives who are so prim and proper that they won't get on they knees and work that pole..... Your type would definitely see nothing wrong with cheating! Unless you be church boy that thinks anything beyond 'missionary' is sin!!! But make ya driver catch her first, then you go know say him sabi drive some kain things beta than cars..... And some girls are shy. While some don't wanna even see 'it', some just want 'it' to have their mouths as permanent residence.... Feel free to bring all your 'luggages' too. One girl, was asked why she slept with her 'friend' ( another topic for another day) she said, " I just wanted to play with his dick, see what it looked like and how it felt like in my mouth. Wasn't really interested in the sex, just his dick!"..... Na true story but no be me tell you..... Some girls were born to suck.... Ladies, #NoOffence... But please if she says NO, then don't try to 'push' her head south with style.

Some girls can mess up sha.... So be careful where u *in Dame's voice* press ya tongue!!!! Another true story.... A friend of a cousin of his brother's friend said; he met one fine girl at the movies, after much 'chyking' and successive meals at expensive restaurants, he landed the babe.... She asked for head, he obliged and 'went to town', and he just heard small POOOOM.... The babe mess!!!! Now he dint finish the story so imma use my imagination..... He pulled back soooo fast that the clit got caught in his small 'open-teeth' and he closed his mouth(teeth) and KPIM!!!! He bit off her clit!!!! E fit be lie sha.... Na me add that part..... Ladies!!!!! Small small biko nnu?! Let him have a reason to want to go down there another time..... Nothing like a clean-shaved punani #NoHomo, so no DM me dey ask me if I do girls.... -_-

Anyways, its your organ to do what you want with it. But I expect that if you want head, you should be willing to give head

" To get ahead, give a head"

That's gonna be my pimping business motto... Ladies drop ya CVs with my associates @KevinWithAnL and @Tobilawbar..... Lmfao.... I no want green-green stretch marked girls oh, preferrably Kim K nyash!!!! Just kiddin, no go dey send me mails oh......

But seriously, why not try communicating with your partner. Know what they want, what they wanna do..... A lil more pleasure never hurt anybody.... (If pesin get heart attack from 'over-orgasm', I won't be held respoonsible; this is a Disclaimer :D). I know some would still not agree.... *shrugs* feel free to share your opinions... Holla at me @elceedutchess on twitter..... No go bite pesin clit comot oh!!! Ask for help if u no sabi!!!!! No shame in learning... But no ask me sha!!!

Hope you enjoyed the read.... Catch y'all on my next post.... Thanks
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Ghosts Of The Past

So........ Word on the street is that my blog is a SEX blog! *shrugs* well......... Maybe it is. And if that's why you are reading this right here, I'm quite happy to tell you this, "you are so gonna be disappointed." So, I was recently well impressed by a few posts I read; The 'Letter' Posts........ If you haven't read any yet, http://KevinWithAnL.blogspot.com (hope I got that right). Awesome read!

Anyways, I'm gonna be a 'copycat' and write my own letter. If e dey pain you, I suggest you STOP reading! Its not an Erotic letter to my 'future husband' or some secret lover. Its a personal letter; a letter to me.

Dear Teen Me,
Hey, wussup? We a little bit grown now; a few curves here and there, sexier voice(yea, our voice is pretty sexy). Most of all, we know so much more about life than you do. I'm not here to grill you and tell you all the things that you did, do and are gonna do wrong. I just wanna say hello; leave a few words for you

You probably feel 'alone' most of the time; you don't mind though, neither do I. You have a very funny forehead, we still have it. But other 'things' distract people's attention from it. Kids make fun of you an awful lot. Not just for that but for other things as well. You get upset a lot but you never fight back, it doesn't matter what they think. I'm not ashamed that you let them 'walk all over' you and I'm still not ashamed about that one time you exploded cause you couldn't take it anymore. But don't ever feel like a coward because you don't 'stand up' to your 'friends' when they tease and make fun of you. No matter what!
"It takes more strength to pull together than it does to retaliate".

You love music a lot. We still do! Its a beautiful thing, don't let anyone take it away from you. Even though you didn't get that walkman you wanted for your birthday, you saved enough to get one; one that had a 'rec' function so you could record your favorite songs off the radio. High school is great for you. You don't have many friends but you do pretty well. You made best student a few times not cause you cheated but cause you were smart enough to do it right.

Home doesn't seem much like home cause it seems you're always doing something wrong. I'm not gonna promise you that the nights spent crying into your pillows are ever gonna come to an end. You are going to get to that point where you just about fall right off the edge. Although you take the 'bait' as it seems the easy way out, I forgive you. I, We, would probably still take the same route right now should the 'opportunity' present itself again. I really love that you were and we still are quite able to put up a butch front even when we are totally destroyed on the inside. It take courage. You are touchy about your opinions. You fight when they are challenged. You give up half way through the fight. It makes you feel so inadequate atimes. It still hurts me even now. But you know what,
"A courageous person know not to be afraid of challenges and a wise man knows when to keep quiet"
You aren't even miles close to being a coward for that. Remember this whenever you feel down.

You might think you're incapable of love; loving and being loved, right now, but you're gonna get it. I don't know what to tell you; I can't tell you its painless, I can't tell you that you are never gonna feel hurt. I can't even promise you that the 'feeling' is true love. But I can promise you that its every bit worth it. Even when you doubt what you feel, give your heart another chance, trust it. You might be wrong, time heals things. But you don't ever want to wonder 'what if'.

I personally think that sex is over-rated and I'm quite sure you'd have the same opinion. But don't change your views about it. You are gonna do a mighty good job of maintaining your self respect. Like I said earlier, people are always gonna judge your actions. They don't understand the pain, turmoil and bitterness that lies within you. I understand. Who better than I? Even when those close to you don't understand, I do! We do! Trust what you believe always, trust what I believe! Even when you make mistakes, they are merely that; mistakes. I would give you but one advice, don't take out your anger on those you love. Its always hurts you more than it does them.

If this had been hand written in ink, you'd see the smudges made by my tears as I tell you this; I regret a lot. Everyone's gonna literarily leave you behind as a result of you very 'minor' mistakes, but I don't hold it against you. I would never; you are afterall only 14. Everyday, I wish I could go back in time and change things, but even as I write this to you, I know deep down that nothing is gonna change. You would do the exact same things, the same way and I do not begrudge you for that.
"A lot we can change, but the past is not one of them"

Emotional and spiritual fatigue you would experience often. I would not be making any promises to you as regards the future for I'm yet to receive my 'letter'. But I can tell you this; don't forget that song from church.......
"I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know we'll host tomorrow"
This is what keeps us moving

From Us.

You're probably wondering why I chose to write to the past rather than the future which seems the rather obvious thing to do. I don't think we truly move on when we choose to forget the past without properly addressing it. We want to move on but the past always has ghosts that come to torment the future. Don't ask me 'how?' For I know not. But we MUST face it!

This Post is dedicated to Yours Truly! Its not for your approval or anything like that. Its for my sanity.

Thanks for reading. Pls forgive my blunders!
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Sex in THIS City

Yea…. I can see em hater snickering…. 'her blog only survived 1 post'… whatever! Here I am with something else to say.
So its been forever since my first and last blog… I gotta say; inspiration is rather hard to come by these days. Matter of fact, I'm still without a title… so imma just breeze through some topics… oh yea….. jus got a title; Sex and the City; Location: 9ja

So I'm sitting on my bed… doing what I love most of course; tweeting. All of a sudden, I start hearing sounds, and no, they weren't in my head but from my annoying neighbor's room…. At first, I thought it was his girl crying; I kept hearing "victor… aaaoooohhhh….. yeeyyee" and the dude is like "baby, its alright, I'm almost done"…. Thought she was hurt and he was massaging like her foot or something but then I started hearing moans and groans…. E don come! Choi!!!! 9ja peeps and their sex habits!

While walking on the streets, we all look, and like to pretend, like we don't have sex. The girls blush when words like 'dick' or 'pussy' are used…. (I blush too! Yeeesss… I gats to form niii. U wan make them think say na me be beta whore for school? No oh!) anyways, some of us like to pretend we 'don't know where babies come from'…. Incase you don't know… (in dat irritating voice) "axe your mummy". Me I know!

When I see those hardcore Yoruba gehs (yes, gehs… those humans are not girls oh) with tribal mark that looks like those green stretch marks and then with green stretch marks that look like sea waves… yea, those gehs! I wonder how they sound in bed… I'm pretty sure they're not virgins. Don't ask me how I know, I've seen the way those nasty mechanics and bus drivers ogle their wobbly butts. I'm very sure they don't sound they way I do… yea, me! I'm a cream chick nau(for my mind). And I'm also sure they don't sound the way porn stars sound, forget all that over-the-top noise. My point is, dem nor fit get fine accent! We all do not sound the same way in bed! They probably go; 'Hakeem!, joor oh… mon bo… oti oh.. oti tobi ju, hakeem… e joor oh… hakeemu, hakeem… duro, je kin simi die, je kin simi die… joor'(DON'T ask the nearest Yoruba person for translations)

And then I go to the market to buy stock fish for my mom. One igbo geh ans me rudely… "ehn…. Gini ki cho? Wetin u wan buy? Na clayfish I dey sell for hia… u dey brock my market"… that also got me thinking. How would this geh even sound like when chnedu is drilling her? "bloda Chinedu, bloda chinedu… biko… biko… pussy'm din a orku…. Chai… chai…. Drill'm ya smah smah… ana ma bia… chinedu… ana ma bia biko, chinedu… CHINEDU!!!" ….that really doesn't sound so appealing to me. Or are you turned on?. And the last, true story…. You need to see this chick praying in fellowship meetings. She can speak in tongues…. Naturally, when I heard the gist; I expected that she also 'came' in tongues. But as a 'bini' geh, rumor has it that she goes…"iyeme, iyeme…… greatest BASSITES" I'm not gonna give out her info! :D make pesin nor come bitchslap me for class… not that she's in my class oh! Anyway….. I'm pretty sure that at least one of these occurs at least every 30mins in YOUR hood. Anyway, as for the boys, don't even get me started…. We'd leave that for another post.
Wait…wait…wait… lemme give you small gist. So I go into this guys room real early in the morning, he's still in his boxer shorts, his girl is still asleep on his bed… I'm waiting patiently to collect some material. He takes a sit on the floor, and BLAM!!! Out pops his balls!!! Wetin carry my eye go there you ask? If you see kpof-kpof for your front, whether you dey eat am or not, you MUST look! The guy didn't even know, or maybe he new and was just showing off. But who the heck shows off his balls… I thought the 'plick' was the main attraction… but what do I know… some girls have weird fetishes… which brings me to the sub-topic, "Where?" u dey ask me? Not me oh…. You.. Yes YOU….

My ears have heard, my eyes have seen and now my hands are typing; the strange places people do their business… I don't mean shit business or piss business nii… I mean the CUM business. If you still don't know what I mean, ask that dude on twirra that uses the word CUM like he has never…….. no be me talk am. Anyway, once upon a time, a boy met a very sexy chick at the club. With the way she was whining and grinding on him, his 'willi-willi'(in igbo accent) was very happy…. They decided to take it to the next level…. Not relationship wise, but lets-get-rid-of-the-clothes-wise(not that they got rid of the clothes anyway)….. they went past the couches in the club, perhaps not wanting to be spotted; past the toilets, perhaps not wanting to catch something in those nasty club toilets… don't be deceived by their shiny states oh, those toilets are reeked with all sorts of bacteria, fungi and viruses… especially viruses… you don't want your punani to come in contact with the wrong spot….O_o… anyway, they went outside and did it right on the bonnet of a car… perhaps they were too wasted to find the keyhole! A chat buddy said she did it in a moving train O_o….. no be for naija oh… na inside BRT bus you wan do am… make the bus enter gallop first, if the guy na king kong, OYO for you! Anyway, I was like WTF?! People, (notice that I said people not me) say; having sex under pressure (like being caught) makes it more fun. No be me and you

Anyway, I nor too blame them…. If I wan cheat( not that I do or I want to) or I wan do bad thing, nor be for haus I go do am… like the other, I was taking an evening stroll due to the excessive heat in my cubicle of a room, a friend joined me somewhere along the road….. him say na akara him dey go buy as mama pepper rice food dey make him anus pepper am for morning, say make we waka together. As usual, gist gats enter the flow; we were passing by this chick's crib when he started giving me serious story oh…. ........................ story, story… once open a time, time, time…

My guy dey gist me say; his girlfriend just broke up with him. And of course, I asked the obvious question; 'why?'… here goes the story. (Imma call him) Chris Brown traveled for some IT ish to some distant place that has no cell service. He said he actually explained this to his his girl; Rihanna. So of course, there was no communication of any sorts. Anyway, he came back after about 2weeks. As he could not call Rihanna to inform her of his flight details and all that, he just decided to sha surprise her…. My friend went to look for better, healthy rose and a small box of chocolate to surprise his girl oh.. that's how he carried his two legs, walked down to her crib, used his key to open the door and GBAM!!!! Yawa don gas…. The chick dey ride one broda wella…. My guy jus dey see one king kong 'organ' dey plow him chick. *no be say I dey dia oh* but, I'm sure e be like 9ja feem, as the box of chocolate(wey him for give me) dey fall from him hand and all that… my guy shout; RiRi???? Choi… as the guy was telling me, I was feeling sorry for him…. The king-kong dude turned out to be the girl's neighbour… that one just jumped up and took off holding his 'plick' with both hands…. *one hand nor reach cover am*…. I nor dey there, but I know! Poor Chris Brown start to dey cry oh… instead of the girl to even feel sorry or something, she was now blaming the poor boy. That he abandoned her and all that… who to blame? The girl that jumped into the hands of king kong or my guy that left his girl for weeks in the hands of Monster 'willi-willi'?

Before I'll be giving you gist… the issue was the location of the 'hot-not-hay-sex'. She for no just open nyash for room like that na. but erm… if you happen to cheat, DO NOT take my advice cos I refuse to be blamed for the consequences…. Sorry I'm a little bit distracted *now staring at Johnny Depp on my tv set*.. you know how I feel bout him na.. lemme not go into all that…. It might get me into trouble. Earlier today on twitter, I wrote ; "pls who has Lynxx's addy? I would love to go over to his place and kiss those sexy lips". And I got the reply… "he-who-must-not-be-named must not see this". Lmfao…. Anyway, my hand dey pain me….

Spent the last couple of days "teaching" ma hommies how to play soccer; PS3 things… translation; @KevinWithAnL and @BragginRightz won me small sha… *blushing*….. and the FAKE TWITFIGHT that gave me small fame; courtesy of @tobilawbar and @GbaGaunDeteCtor …… it was bloody. Choi!!! But humans are so gullible. They just fell like twin towers… YAKATA!!!... smh… and today's TT has been the best all so far…. #WetinConcern… it even got me locked in #TwitJail… but based on who I be… with counselors like @GeneralJugod, @cmokai, and @craziewilly aka willi-willi, on my side, I made patrol and my sentence got reduced… thanks guys!

Thanks to @xbone2003, one of my many childhood crushes for giving small inspiration ;)
Abeg oh!!!! Everthing written down was hear-say! Infact, it was hear-hear-see-saw-heard-watch-say! Make dem no come find me for haus….
Shey I nor GbaGaun sha???? Catch ya

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Crazy Diaries

http://twitter.com/#!/elceedutchess

          Well… where to start from… thanks for reading my blog. I didn’t think that anybody would be remotely interested in any crazy shit I got to say. (mind my language pls, I’m a little on the raw side). Speaking bout raw, I remember writing about “sex’ being one of my favorite hobbies. Well, its not as much about the action as it is about the idea of sex. You don’t really understand that right? Well neither do i.

 Moving on, my crazy imagination… aah, my very crazy imagination. I really do love to make up these weird arse scenarios… like this day, I kept on imagining what sex with Johnny Depp might be like. Sexy, yes… but I just could not get past the thought that he might not know how to give a good head… a girl has got to get a good head every now and then.

        Something else about me… music! I love my music. Coldplay, The Fray, The All American Rejects, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Lil Kim, B.I.G. the list goes on and on…. My boyfriend says I’m a ‘racist’. Why? cos I don’t so much patronize the Nigerian entertainment scene… WTF! I abso-fucking-lutely love Naeto C, Asa, Tiwa Savage, Don Baba J and Mode 9. Isn’t that good enough? Me just tire o! Must I like the likes of Timaya, Terry G, Wizkid n co before I’m certified as a patriotic Nigerian? I’m registered to vote o…. that’s good enough.

       Anyway, I’m an upcoming artiste and I hope to use the ‘del’ button on this sentence real soon… can somebody shout ‘AMEN’.

      Good! Now back to the things that make me who I am; an awesome loveable sicko. i, like so many other girls, when it comes to the opposite sex, look for great qualities. First I notice his eyes(sultry would do), his hairdo(none of that lame arse Mohawk shit), his dressing( cedarwoods states and paul smiths would do just fine), and of course, the words that come out of his most certainly sexy lips. And I, like most girls like to deceive myself that these are the things we notice first in a guy. Truth is I’d most likely check out his ‘package’ first, also, like most girls. Yea… that’s a FACT!

      On the exterior, I’m all tough and brute(not in the pitbull kinda way). I choose not to be sentimental in just about everything I do. Its fun when I hear guys say things like; “mehn… she too hard, she go jus dey bounce, she tough o, no fuck with dah chick o, she nor jus dey fear anything”. And then the chicks go, “ yea, she think she all dah, she think she better than the rest of us, she think she’s jus too good for us, she’s such a bitch”. Truth is, I spend more time listening to sad songs, watching high school movies and romantic comedies( I like to imagine that all can be well even when it doesn’t seem so). I also wish more than anything in the world that I wasn’t an introverted introvert.

       “my lack of words is merely an expression of my shy and fragile interior”

        I am who I am.

You’re probably wondering what the hell all these has got to do with you… truth is; e nor jus concern u at all…. But its fun to read! ;)

     PS…. Hope say I nor #Gbagaun! Loooooolouder